Chaotic Threshold of Emotions
by PinkLemonade
Summary: 83 shounenai. After Sanzo goes through a mentally and physically traumatic experience with a youkai, it may only be Hakkai who can snap him back to what little sanity he does have. Feel the angst. One shot.


This originally was a songfic, but I changed that. Yar?

**TITLE**: Chaotic Threshold of Emotions

**PAIRINGS**: post-83; meaning they're all ready a couple

**RATED**: PG to PG-13-isssshhhh

**WARNINGS**: profanity, some violence, light shounen-ai, ANGST. OH BOY ANGST.

**DISCLAIMERS**: Blah blah, Saiyuki and such belong to Kazuya Minekura and stuff. And "Someday" lyrics belongs Nickelback and anybody else. I got the lyrics from azlyrics.

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**Chaotic Threshold of Emotions**

_By Bre-chan aka PinkLemonade_

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His hands used to be so strong, they could grasp someone's hand and walk them through a chaotic threshold of emotions. And now--now, they could barely hold a tea cup still. Gojyo was the first to notice how much Hakkai's hands were shaking when he went to hand him a glass of tea.  
  
"You thinking about taking a few minutes to rest?" Gojyo asked, clutching Hakkai's wrist gently. Hakkai, not noticing his quivering limbs, blinked blankly at his red headed friend. Gojyo took the glass of tea from his hand and placed it on the table he sat at.  
  
"I'm not tired," Hakkai responded, not even thinking over his answer.  
  
Gojyo smirked. "If you don't get some rest, you'll be what Goku was twenty minutes ago before he fell asleep," he informed, jerking a thumb back at Goku. Goku was fast asleep in one of the two beds in the hotel room. His cheeks were still stained by old tears, and he occasionally sniffed as he turned on his side every now and then.  
  
Hakkai smiled sadly. "Goku took it pretty hard. But that's to be expected, seeing what happened to Sanzo..." he said, trailing off as his eyes looked elsewhere.  
  
"Is Sanzo still in his room?" Gojyo asked, taking a sip of his tea.  
  
Hakkai nodded slowly. "I tried asking him if he wanted any tea, and he just... well, let's just say his reaction was a colorful no," he replied, sighing with a sad shake of his head.  
  
Gojyo couldn't help but grunt out a smirk. "Figures. First it's been raining all day, and then that damn youkai had to mind fuck him and remind him of his past with that monk who took care of him..." he muttered, resting his chin on his hand as he looked out the closed window. Rain poured down heavily from the dark skies, beating cold air against their window.  
  
"Sanzo must have really bad karma in his past life," Gojyo joked, taking another long drink of his tea.  
  
Hakkai just stood there, not noticing that his limp hands had curled into fists. "It was a real blow to his ego, what that demon did. Not to mention, he was all ready sensitive about his Master's death when it first started sprinkling this morning," he explained, looking out the window with Gojyo.  
  
Gojyo looked up from his hot tea and over at Hakkai. "You know, you're not in too good of shape yourself. I think it bugs you just as much as Sanzo. I don't know why, but... well, you're just not reacting to it how he is," he stated, then gave a limp shrug.  
  
Hakkai rubbed the back of his head. "It's only natural that I'd be shaken up. That youkai really got inside Sanzo's brain. I've never seen Sanzo so enraged and shaken up like that before. It's kind of like God just graced our presence out of nowhere. It's shocking, you know?" he said.  
  
"I know. And I never want to see Sanzo go mental like that again. But even so, even if he is in a pissy, butt hurt mood, it didn't justify the fact that he had to hit Goku when the monkey was only trying to comfort him," Gojyo grumbled, not pleased with Sanzo's brash behavior.  
  
Hakkai laughed, "This is the first time I've really ever seen you stick up for Goku!" His smile then turned into a weak one, and the emotion in his eyes hid another feeling deep within. "We all react strangely to others when we're enraged and hurt inside..." he informed, in a quiet voice.  
  
Gojyo looked back at Hakkai with a raised brow. "Oh?"  
  
Hakkai smiled widely. "I'm going to go see if Sanzo wants something to eat. He does need to eat, you know," he informed, raising a wagging finger. He then parted towards the door, that smile still plastered on his face.  
  
"Be careful!" Gojyo shouted after him, standing to his feet. He wouldn't lie, he was concerned about both his companions.  
  
Hakkai fluttered a hand at him from the doorway. "Thank you, but I'll be fine," he assured, before disappearing down the hall to Sanzo's room.  
  
Hakkai came to a stop in front of the shut door. On the other side was Sanzo, doing who knows what. Hakkai took in a deep breath and rose his hand to the door knob. "Sanzo. Are you asleep?" he asked, quietly.  
  
"Go the fuck away!"  
  
Hakkai winced but did not leave. "I'm coming in," he said, slowly twisting the door knob, pushing the door open cautiously. "Sanzo?" Hakkai called out, noticing Sanzo wasn't right in front of the door. Hakkai opened the door all the way, gasping and jumping slightly.  
  
Sitting on the end of the bed only about ten feet from the door was Sanzo. His robe, under shirt and sutras were laying at a pile on the floor, leaving him only in his gloves and levi pants. There was a bandage wrapped around his stomach, hiding the physical wound the youkai left. But the emotional and mental wounds were nothing short of devastating.  
  
What scared Hakkai was the fact that Sanzo, with his glowering purple eyes, glared directly at him. He had his gun cocked and aimed right at Hakkai. "Can you please lower your weapon, Sanzo?" Hakkai asked, raising his hands in the air as an act of peace.  
  
"I told you to get the fuck out. Usually I'm very lenient with you, Hakkai, but if you don't leave, I will blow a bullet in your goddamn stomach," Sanzo threatened, finger beating loosely against the silver trigger.  
  
Hakkai kept his hands up and stood his ground. "I thank you for your compassion, Sanzo, but... I must insist that you come down and eat. And then let me change your bandage," he explained, calmly.  
  
"I can eat when I fucking want and change my own goddamn bandage. Now get out of my space before I shoot you," Sanzo ordered through his tightly clenched pearly white teeth.  
  
Hakkai's hands lowered slowly as he took a step further into the room. "Sanzo... please... I only want to help..." he assured, in a comforting, hushed voice, his eyes and sadness sincere.  
  
Sanzo stood quickly to his feet, gun making a soft ka-chak as he moved it up to aim at Hakkai's forehead. "Get out, goddammit! Get out!" he snarled, an animalistic rage growing in his eyes.  
  
Hakkai felt helpless, especially over the fact that his beloved was holding a gun to his head. "Sanzo... please..." he pleaded, his voice cracking.  
  
"Fuck you!!" Sanzo screamed, shame, rage and hurt taking over his body. He moved his gun away as he shot it, causing it to graze Hakkai's arm. It left behind a red welt; it wasn't so bad considering the clothes it shot through took off some of the impact.  
  
Hakkai reached for his cut arm and clasped it. "Sanzo..." he whispered, shock and hurt pouring into his green eyes.  
  
Sanzo took a step back, slowly lowering the gun. He too looked shock; he had never once held his gun to Hakkai. Not since then, not since over four years ago, had he ever held a gun at Hakkai. "I... warned you..." Sanzo finally muttered, his pride too wounded to allow him to forgive his sudden, thoughtless attack.  
  
Hakkai swallowed and forced a smile on his face. "It's all right, Sanzo. I forgive you..." he murmured, eyes opening to show pure beautiful green.  
  
Sanzo turned his back to Hakkai, his grasp on the gun shaking. "I lost the one thing I loved in my life. And it was all my fault. And now you... I don't care about anyone but you and him. And he died because of me, and now I nearly shot you dead," he grunted, before he slowly began chuckling.  
  
"It wasn't your fault..." Hakkai disagreed, shaking his head.  
  
Sanzo just kept chuckling, a malicious grin crossing his face. "How the fucking hell can you say that? You weren't there. You weren't the one looking up to see the one you love use themself as a human shield to save your life. Blood splatter everywhere, limbs break off... don't you dare tell me it wasn't my fault," he snickered, burying his face in his hand as he bowed his head.  
  
"It wasn't your fault he died. He protected you, he cared for you, you shouldn't let his sacrifice go to waste by blaming yourself. You were only a little child..." Hakkai informed, pulling his hand off his wound. Blood had smeared against the palm of his hand--the wound had finally opened and surfaced blood.  
  
"I was a child. But what did that matter? I didn't have enough innocence back then to make me a helpless case."  
  
Hakkai rose his head, eyes widening to see Sanzo glaring back at him. Sanzo's hand touched half his face, shadowing its qualities. His eyes burned fire, deep fire of hatred. With the most icy tone of voice, he commanded, "I don't want to give you my love. I don't want to give it to anyone. I don't want to deal with feeling this shitty again. So fuck you and fuck our so-called relationship."  
  
Hakkai felt like Sanzo had just rose that gun and shot the entire magazine of bullets into his heart.  
  
"Sa--Sanzo... you don't... you don't mean that..." Hakkai murmured, utterly speechless.  
  
"Don't fucking tell me what I mean and what I don't. What I feel and what I don't feel. You're not me, so stop acting like my pain is also your pain," Sanzo snapped, fully turning to face Hakkai. He lowered his hand from the side of his face, smirking cruelly, "I never did care for empaths. Nosy little shits."  
  
Hakkai's Adam apple bobbed up and down his throat. He then threw his arms by his sides, shouting, "I know you're hurt! I know you're ashamed about what happened today--what happened in your past! I know how mad you must be! And yet at the same time, I don't know the impact of your pain! However, I do know that you can't keep living in the shadows of the past!"  
  
Sanzo worse a lopsided grin. "How hypocritical of you. You who falls to the feet of any women we meet who look or act anything like your Kanan," he snorted, looking away, at the rain outside the window.  
  
The room was silent until there was the loud popping noise ringing against the walls. Sanzo's head remained jerked to the side, however a red mark had formed against his cheek. Slowly, his blank glare turned to Hakkai, who stood in front of him. Hakkai panted heavily, the hand he slapped Sanzo with still raised.  
  
Sanzo looked down at his bed, eyes shadowed by his bangs. Then, dropping his gun, he rose a fist and slugged Hakkai in the jaw. Hakkai tumbled back, managing to catch his balance as he nursed his sore face. "Teme...!" Sanzo growled dangerously, marching towards Hakkai with his fist ready for another punch.  
  
Sanzo cried bitterly as he thrust his fist at Hakkai. Hakkai quickly snatched his wrist, forced it behind Sanzo's back and shoved him away. Sanzo tripped on his feet, falling to his knees. He sat there on hands and knees, panting as his stomach wound began to sting. Hakkai, tired and emotionally drained, released a loud exhale as he fell to his knees beside Sanzo.  
  
Sanzo ignored Hakkai as he wrapped his arms around him. "I'm sorry. We were both out of line. It'll be okay, Sanzo..." Hakkai assured, placing his forehead against Sanzo's curved shoulder.  
  
"It'll never change. It's a scar. Thrust a knife in it, it'll reopen. It never fucking disappears," Sanzo growled, shoving Hakkai off of him.  
  
Hakkai frowned sadly as he sat beside Sanzo. "I'm worried about you, Sanzo. You have all this hatred for yourself because of something you couldn't control. Something that was not your fault. And it tears me up inside to see you like this. One of the reasons I've fallen so deeply in love with you was to help you mend that scar..." he explained, reaching a hand out to touch Sanzo's back very slowly.  
  
Sanzo immediately slapped his hand away. "Hn. No one does anything without benefiting it. Are you trying to save me, Hakkai, because you couldn't save Kanan?" he asked, looking deep into Hakkai's eyes.  
  
Hakkai bit his bottom lip, blood leaking from the cut on his lip the punch made. He quickly shook his head and wrapped his arms around Sanzo's neck. "I'm not trying to save you. That's what you have to do. I'm only trying to help you realize your own happiness," he explained, shutting his eyes tightly.  
  
Sanzo rose his hands and pushed Hakkai back. Hakkai let go immediately at the very first push he felt. Hakkai sat on his legs in front of Sanzo, slowly lowering his own extended arms. "Don't talk to me like I'm fucking six. I can take care of myself," Sanzo spat, grimacing as he tried standing to his feet.  
  
"You certainly don't act like you can take care of yourself," Hakkai remarked, narrowing his emerald orbs.  
  
Sanzo, with rage suddenly exploding in his eyes, looked down at Hakkai with pure hatred. Hakkai kept his glare up at Sanzo, even when Sanzo held the barrel of his gun an inch from his forehead. "You've invaded my personal space, you've torn at my heart, and now you treat me as if I'm a little child! One more fucking word out of your mouth, Cho Hakkai, and I will blow your brains out!" Sanzo yelled, thrusting the barrel hard against Hakkai's forehead.  
  
Hakkai took a moment to inhale, before stating sternly, "Then shoot me. Pull the trigger."  
  
Sanzo's look of shock was only on for a second before disappearing. His eyes squinted as his finger pressed against the trigger. Hakkai put on a relaxed face and shut his eyes, as if waiting for the moment. This only pissed off Sanzo more, who cursed loudly as he pulled his gun back and marched across the room.  
  
Hakkai felt relief pour over him as he drew to his feet, Sanzo glaring at him from next to the window. "I'm not sensitive enough to help someone commit suicide," he hissed, folding his arms over his chest.  
  
Hakkai smiled, even though it hurt. "I know that," he said.  
  
Hakkai walked over to Sanzo, looking out at the rain clouds along with him. It was silent for a moment or two, before Sanzo released an irritated growl and ruffled the back of his hair. "How come you got to act like such a fucking mother?" he grumbled, opening one narrowed eye at Hakkai.  
  
Hakkai smiled and rose a finger. "Not many people have ever complained about my mollycoddling," he teased, before giving Sanzo a little wink. Sanzo just snorted, shut his eyes and laid his head back against the wall.  
  
"I hope you'll reconsider what you said."  
  
Sanzo opened his eyes and looked over at Hakkai. "Hn?"  
  
Hakkai pressed his hands against the cold glass, forming a coat of warm steam on its surface. He looked sadly over at Sanzo like a lost puppy, replying, "That you don't want to remain by my side."  
  
Sanzo opened his mouth, then shut it again.  
  
Sanzo then turned his head away, bowing it down to relax. "Hn. I couldn't even if I wanted to. I have to travel with you until we beat the shit out of the idiots reviving Gyuuma Ou," he informed, bitterly.  
  
Hakkai kept smiling. That was Sanzo's way of saying no. A definite no. Hakkai chuckled and took both of Sanzo's ears, pinching them. Sanzo glared up at Hakkai as the brunet youkai placed his forehead against his. "You're so cute when you're trying to be sweet," he giggled, before pecking a soft little kiss on the bridge of Sanzo's nose.  
  
Sanzo blushed, jumping away from Hakkai. "I was never trying to be sweet!" he roared, pointing accusingly at the youkai.  
  
"It's all right. I was only joking," Hakkai chuckled, raising his hands innocently.  
  
Sanzo took a moment to finish his fuming before walking back over to the window. Hakkai watched him, before wrapping an arm around his waist. Sanzo sighed and laid his head back against Hakkai's shoulder. Hakkai sighed as well, resting his head against Sanzo's.  
  
"It's you who said you'd never betray me or leave," Sanzo reminded, raising a hand to the window, pressing his hand against it.  
  
"You're absolutely right," Hakkai assured, placing his hand on top of Sanzo's. He then curled his fingers around Sanzo's hand and held it close and dear.  
  
"Maybe one day I'll forget that day. But not anytime soon," Sanzo mumbled, looking a bit disappointed.  
  
Hakkai pressed Sanzo's hand to his lips. "But someday, you will," he reassured, placing a soft kiss on Sanzo's beautiful hand he would walk with through a chaotic threshold of emotions.

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_"Well I'd hope that since we're here anyway  
That we could end up saying  
Things we've always needed to say  
So we could end up staying..._  
_Someday, somehow  
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now  
I know you're wondering when  
(You're the only one who knows that)  
Someday, somehow  
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now  
I know you're wondering when."_

**END**

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